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| A-hoy-hoy, world!
Yes, back again it seems. Insomnia's a bitch. The trouble
is, I have my first day of work tomorrow at Nordy's (yay money!) and I
have to wake up at 7... and it's 3am now. WOO!
I guess I don't really have a whole lot to say, just that I'm awake and
wish there was someone else up to talk to. These are the nights
when I wish Josh was still my friend, he was the only other person I
knew besides Haley (who is now at burningman and therefore
uncontactable) that kept this kind of schedule. I'm hoping this
job will provide some kind of social contact, since I'm totally lacking
in that department lately. What else, uhhhhh, Grace keeps
scratching herself every 30 seconds, literally. I counted in the
hopes it would be calming, but no, still just annoying.
It's weird coming back to a journal. It's like a masochistic time
machine where the people have all changed, but you still feel the
same. I miss my old life sometimes, the fun of it, the new people
all the time, the excitement of dancing, the excitement of new
things... tell me again why those things have to change? I guess
they don't, and I probably have to make some sort of effort to get them
back, but damn, I really enjoy it when life hands me a good time and I
don't have to do shit. Call me lazy. Yes I am.
It's also weird reading other people's old journals or myspace blogs
online. Remembering the emotions that used to come up so quick in
my throat when I'd be internet-stalking someone's ex girlfriend (you
KNOW everyone does it) or digging for dirt on google (seriously,
EVERYONE) and actually finding something. The mental abuse I put
myself through, jesus.
I almost sent an apology email the other day, I was by myself and
thinking about how far I've come, how different I've become. The
passions that used to completely overthrow any sense are now reined in,
the compromise button is used often and at appropriate times, and
forgiving people is now an option. I think I finally have just
enough distance from my old life that I can see how intense I
was. In my journal I used to call Josh a horrible drug, but now I
think I may have been one as well. Not that it still doesn't
hurt- it does sometimes. I went to planned parenthood the other
day and had to check the box on the new patient form that said, have
you ever had a partner that had other partners? Other things
conspired that day to make me break down and just have a good cry, but
that one contributed. Two years of my life, and I'm finally
making some progress. Hooray me!
Anyway, back to the apology email. If Josh ever reads this, and
I'm not sure he ever will, I want you to know that I'm sorry for the
way I treated you in the end. I'm not accepting all the blame,
but I will admit that I was selfish, childish, extreme, hateful and
vindictive. I was a bitch. You were my best friend during
that last year, and I don't think I ever told you. Thanks for
being there for me when I really needed it, and thanks for coming
through when I never thought you would. I'm still not sure I
could have extensive contact with you, because I'm obviously still in
some pain here, but eventually I'd like to be friends, and I'd like to
someday tell you this to your face.
Oh journals. I love this suspension of disbelief. Tomorrow, it will be like nothing ever happened.
Oh hey! Jeff's in Japan! I talked to him tonight and man, I really miss
him. Jeff I miss you buddy!!! I wish you were still my
neighbor!
Over and out.
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| I went to see Casanova with Haley today and was mildly
disappointed. No debauchery, no wild sex, just one of those 'true
love' story and lots of catholic men chasing Heath around. Oh
well. It was enertaining.
In other, more exciting news, Anthony and I took a trip up to Tahoe on
Monday. There was REAL SNOW (none of that manufactured so-cal
stuff) and it was white and fluffy and I only fell once, and it was
only because Anthony ran into me. Lol. We're pretty much
the same level, and he was excited that he didn't have to wait for me
like he usually has to for people cause he likes to bomb down the
hills, so we both had an excellent time.
It was funny, on the car ride there we were both tired and grumpy
(5:30am does that to people) and on the ride back we were tired and
giddy from snow endorphins, i think. Haha that sounds like an
animal. mmmm, snow dolphins.
ANYWAY
What I meant to say was that on the way up I was thinking, god, I don't
think I could live with this man for the rest of my life and on the way
back I was thinking, please don't ever leave me, and right now I'm
thinking, I should never think when I'm not clear-headed. But
honestly, when am I ever clear-headed? Not bloody frequently.
So yeah, just hanging out tonight, got a 'maybe, we'll see' from
Anthony on whether or not he was coming over after some beers with his
friend, so we'll see. Maybe I'll do some real thinking on the
matter. Or maybe I need a hobby.
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| It's the first night that I've been Anthony-less in quite a while, and
as I was lying on my couch in a foul mood, staring at the ceiling
(there go 20 minutes), I realize that the reason I'm in a foul mood is
that because I have not been invited nor have I invited myself over to
Anthony's. So it's a vicious cicrle, beginning with the fact that
I've played Gunbound for about 4 hours today, and ending with the
defeating realization that I'm practically incapable of being alone for
more than a few hours. I don't see that as a good or bad thing
per se, it's just frustrating that it puts me in such a bad mood.
Ramon is doing his damndest to cheer me up by purring in my lap, pawing
at my face, getting up and making a circle, then lying back down again
every 5 seconds, and it's helping a little, but it's also poking my
conscience because I don't exactly spend much time with him
anymore.
I'm complaining, but really nothing is wrong exccept for my annoyance
at myself for not being able to be a big girl and sleep by
myself. Not even by myself, Ramon will surely decide tonight is a
good night for my head to be a pillow, so what am I all up in a fuss
about?
I called Anthony, bored, even though I knew I wasn't going to get
invited over (he's very clear about needing his alone time) and he said
I needed a hobby, to which I stupidly became very affronted and
insulted by. After my huff cleared, I was able to think about
what I did before I met him- swing, hung out with Stacey, played
gunbound, talked to Josh consistantly, 54835 times a day online.
Only one of those things is missing and it's place has been filled with
a better fit, so what's the deal? It's one night of
non-intensity, that's what it is. I miss swing 4 nights a row
during summer, but I don't miss the halfhearted boy drama that came
with it. I miss music, too. I was trying to remember the
last time I had a new song stuck in my head... it was a while
ago.
I should sleep... but it's hard when there's nothing to distract you
but drunk people outside yelling WOO! and YEAH! back and forth at
eachother after they've set off a car alarm.
Sigh.
Writing is nice.
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| I LOVE AMY AND DAVID AND FALLON!!!
NEW YEARS PARTIES RULE!!!!
man, i'm so freakin happy, it's ridiculous.
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| Well, I'm curled up in a big overstuffed couch at my dad's house- it's
the first time I've stayed here for more than a day in about 4 years-
and feeling like I just don't have enough time for anything. This
weekend has been a frantic rush of trying to spend equal time with both
parents so they don't feel neglected, and being so tired at the end of
the day that I don't want to go out or call anyone, but now that it's
11:30pm the night before I'm supposed to leave (i'm leaving at 4:30am
of course) I want to see David, Phil called me and wanted to get
together and see Rent, I want to call Donny and Fallon and see everyone
but there just flat out isn't enough time.
Ramon was awesome in the car, he spent the entire 8 hours curled up
right underneath me, and he's been great here at my dad's, terrorizing
Boots and following my dad around everywhere. Tomorrow I'm
betting to make up for all of it, he'll poop all over my car on the
drive up.
It's so weird to visit your home. You live in a place for so many
years, then move out and make a new home, so both places feel like home
(and in my case I guess I have three places that feel like home) so
you're never really visiting, you're just living there... and when you
have to leave it's so weird. Especially when it's in these three-day stints.
The other thing is that I miss Anthony like crazy. I
talked to my mom today and she offered me a job as a scrubber (what I
do every summer) for two weeks at her office during the break, which
would be about $800- a hefty sum considering that I have no job to
speak of, and she also sweetened the deal by adding that she would fix
my car lock if I came home. The problems are that 1)I would have
to stay at my dad's house because of Ramon, 2) I'm not sure I could
handle living back at home for two and a half weeks, including
Christmas, and 3) I'd miss Anthony even more than I do now. So
basically, I'd be miserable, at the whim of my parents, longing for
someone I can't possibly see, he has to work in Santa Cruz so he can't
come visit for more than a couple of days, maybe not even that, god it
just sucks. The obvious
good part to all this is seeing all the people I neglected this time
around, but I'm not sure it's enough to counteract all the other crap I
would have to put up with. I'm just so much happier in Santa
Cruz. Escondido drains me.
I miss Anthony. I want to be held. I'm exhausted. Bleh.
/emo
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